Friday, December 22, 2017

Anxiety attack - my story

Assalamualaikum and goooood day!

More people are becoming aware of mental health now. More real-life confessions are made anonymously through a FB pages, more mental health articles are written and videos regarding this issue are shared among netizens. I'm sure all of us had feel stressed at least once in our life, right? But depression is not about feeling pressured. Depression pushed to the point that you don't feel pleasures in life anymore. Depression makes you feel like you are nothing in this world, you have negative effect whatsoever on other people and most times it makes you feel like 'my existence has no impact on anything at all and that my presence is just a burden.'

Well, I want to write what I have been feeling this few years. Yes, a few years. Depression is not something that happen overnight. It is a cumulative of events that happens without you even realising it. That was (is?) the case for me. I think I started to have depression during my final year as an undergraduate. Of course, our final year project took its toll on us, right? But I made a mistake. My mistake was that I compared myself with my friends at that time. BELIEVE ME, comparing your life to others is a big NO NO. We all had different research projects and sometimes it made me mad when thinking 'why my friends have easier projects than me?', 'why does my project requires me to stay up till night and had to come on the weekend?', 'why are my friends finishing their projects already?' etc. As you can expect, my project was a disaster, was viva presentation was a self-catastrophe and my CGPA was rubbish. I remember I wished my bus would just be thrown down the cliff so I don't have to finish my project. I knew I am trying to runaway from my problems but I also knew I have to face it no matter what. Hence, the suicidal thoughts. I know it seem typical to you, but for me it was real, I cried during the journey and cried even harder when I actually arrived at my university.

I embraced the whole final year thingy and thought this would all over. No more being stressed out all the time. HA-HA. Little did I know that was only the beginning, the first development of depression. After graduation, I was jobless for 6 months. I tried looking for jobs, but I only seek degree-related jobs, which is not many. I wanted to do other jobs, but there is always a picture in my mind of which my mother would not be satisfied with non-degree-related jobs. You see, my mother was already disappointed when I got accepted into the Biomedical Science programme. My mother had always picture me as a pharmacist, which she had told me when I was 16. When I told her about my degree programme, I can see no delightful smile from her. She was happy that I got accepted somewhere, but not excited, as she has no clue what job I can do after graduation (in which she was not wrong). 

Anyway, back to as a jobless period. You would think it would be nice to do nothing everyday, right? Well, no! That jobless duration just makes me more suffocated. I would cry most  days during shower and most nights before sleep. I was depressed to the point that even when small unrelated things happened to me, I could easily burst into tears. Once there was a piece of fried chicken got stuck between my teeth and after many failed trails to get it out, I just burst into tears, thinking why my life is so hard? why can't  I be like other people? why can't my life just be normal? There was actually a time when my aunt said 'honorable jobless' to me and I shrugged it off at that time. But actually that really hurts me and when her daughter also said something hurtful I broke down in the bathroom. I pleaded my mom to go home and was very relieved she agreed to it after a long disagreement. There was also a hurtful memory to me. While in the car, a relative casually asked me about my career. My mom was in the car too and she suddenly fell into silence and what make it worst was I can see her expression changed, into disappointment. I can't remember what I said to that relative, but my mother's expression wold never fade from my memory. 

Six months fast-forward, I found an opportunity to continue my study which I took it right away. As long as I don't have to stay at home all the time and to shut people up. While pursuing my master a whole set of pressure came along. It was the pressure of having money. As a student, I was not paid. My tuition fee comes from my mom, my life-support comes from my mother and my siblings. Sh*tty life of a sh*tty person huh? Recently, I was pre-diagnosed to have hypothyroidism. This condition can actually mess up my hormones and my emotions. It is a rare condition since most thyroid related condition people have hyperthyroidism. But at least I found my enemy. In another few weeks, I'm going to know for sure and I hope it IS hypothyroidism so that all I have to do now is to consume thyroxine. 

But how do I know I have hypothyroidism? Well, it started when I, for the first time in my life had a panic attack. I know I have mild mood swing but never a panic attack. It started when one night one of my sisters yelled at his son. It wasn't a usual mother-to-child yelling. It was a top of the lungs yelling. THAT triggered me to have a panic attack. (I suspect I have PTSD due to yelling because of a childhood memory, but I never see a doctor about this). The panic attack made my heart beating as if I was running but my body was still. I can feel nerve signals were sent to my hands. My hands were cold. All I could do was go to sleep. The next day, I was feeling better. I went to the university like nothing happened. But as I was having my lunch, it happened again, my second panic attack. I was hysterical. I really can't control it. I stopped eating, pacing back and forth, shaking my hands vigorously to get rid of the cold sensation and my heart was beating wildly as if it wants to get out of the rib cage. Immediately I went to see a doctor and they did a blood test. After the attack, I always feel mini anxiety few episodes everyday. But overtime, it gets better. The mini anxiety visit was less frequent per week. [A year ago, I had a panic attack while I was shopping. At that time, I didn't know it was a panic attack. As I was walking, I suddenly feel out of breath, I had to stop walking and calm myself down, taking deep breaths. It was for a few minutes then I was okay. I didn't think much of it at that time.]

Writing this all out makes me feel better. Although some memories did make me feel agitated. I hope I this will all pass and my wish is that no people should experience it again. Or at least know how to manage it. Just remember this magic words:

YOU WILL BE OK. YOU WILL BE FINE.


Sunday, May 14, 2017

RUDE!

Assalamualaikum,

I have been wanting to update this blog but then I have no topic to talk. My life is purty much the same everyday. D: Nonetheless, on a Wednesday evening of the last week of April, an unacceptable incident happened! :O 

So my day started as usual, blergh3..., but I went back late that evening, around 7 pm. So I decided to take a shortcut home but that shortcut could be risky to cars (the road is very narrow, only one car can pass through at one time. Also, you cannot see the incoming cars/motorcycles as the road is a 'S' shape and houses restrict your vision). As I driving on that narrow road, apparently there is another ahead, and as I am in a easier position to reverse, I did, but very slowly as I lost my orientation. So my reverse was not perfect and I stopped for a while to give way for motorcycle behind me to pass through first. Then came a bozo on a red motorcycle suddenly bang on my car hood and SHOUTED 'Reverse!' at me. Stunned, and being a hot-headed, I of course shouted back from inside the car. Then that bozo went away but from the rear-view mirror, I saw him standing on his bike while laughing (from this moment, I knew he is a rempit bozo guy). I finally succeeded reversing and mouthing sorry to the car up front and went back home. I was holding back my tears. Tears of anger.

Once I got into my room, I cried in silence while cursing and praying something bad happen to that bozo. I felt angry yet helpless. How could someone do that to you? Someone was being rude and yet you can't defend yourself. I wasn't at fault. My head hurts so much that night as it did on the next day. So many tears wasted, for a bozo. I did not cry for him, but for me. However, looking back, I was grateful I didn't say anything provocative as it will make thing worse. Also, I am still finding the courage to forgive that bozo and making peace with myself. As you can see, I still can't forgive him entirely as I call him a bozo in this post. :P In my head, he had died  a million ways and there a some of my favourite. LOL.

K.tata!

Saturday, February 18, 2017

...lies in the eyes of Beholder

Assalamualaikum,

I'm sure most of us heard the saying beauty lies in the eyes of beholder, right? And I'm all for it too. But in this post I am not going to talk about physical attractiveness. I will ramble on something that has been on my mind this past week. It occurred to me that SUCCESS also lies in the eyes of beholder, because each person has a different perception of success. One might view success as having so much money till they run out of ideas to spend them, some might view it as having a good stable job that'll guarantee their future or having a firm and practicing religious belief. The best thing about this is there is no wrong answer! Well, if your life goal(s) is(are) not malintent, then dream away!

There are several people I followed on social media platforms whom are considered successful in their field. I followed entrepreneurs, fashion model, teachers, philanthropist, non-profit organizations, insurance agent, authors,doctors and many more. It's inspiring to see people become success in their own way because it made me think of my own definition of success. Anyway, the one thing in common that I see when watching all these successful people is that they give back to the community, also by their own way. For example, this one entrepreneur is inspiring people especially the young generations by giving them prep talk everyday through his social media. This one author wrote a book on cancer and how it affected the people by using his words and make us the readers feel intensely towards the disease and also the primary and secondary sufferers. People from different jobs come together under one organization to help those in need. :')

But to achieve successful-ness (?) we must swim a flaming sea or climb the highest mountain. What do these figurative sayings mean anyway? It means for us to be out of our comfort zone. Get out of our blankets and use boxes instead. Being in our danger zone meaning we are pushing our boundaries, stretching our limits and knowing that we can do more than we anticipated. Positive thinking really helps when we loose a battle and preparing our mind for our next step. 
You lose, move on.

- Abrupt ending. GTG-  


Wednesday, January 25, 2017

money

I KNOW MONEY IS NOT EVERYTHING

BUT OH 

DO TELL ME THAT MONEY 

IS NOT IMPORTANT 
!


Saturday, January 21, 2017

Another movie post!



Assalamualaikum, howdy?

Is the above movie scene familiar to you? Yeah? High five!! This is one of my movies to turn to when I'm feeling blue, just because of this scene alone. My mind is always blown each time this scene is on. Watching the whole movie would left me in tears and through those tears, I could let go of my stress and worries before that and feel anew.

What triggers me of writing this post is that the past week I have been reading about mental disorders in a famous confession FB page. A few confessors confessed about how they dealt/dealing with psychological disorders. Some are because of traumatic childhood experience and some are due to depression. I am not going to comment on their disclosures because I know the feeling those confessors are enduring. Been there done that. It's hard to say if I ever recover but I am  better now.

Anyway, this post was meant to be a some kind of a motivation to myself to start changing myself. Because only I can make it better only if I keep telling myself that.

P/S: The movie name is Bridesmaids (2011)

À plus tard!

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Anniversary

Today is the first anniversary of my staying in a local university. I am a registered research student for 4 months now, but only recently I feel more passionate in finishing my research. I know, wasted of time kan. InshaaAllah  this year I am much wiser. Enough of the shenanigans. InshaaAllah this zeal is here to stay and NOT fade away! :D

A year here taught me more of life. I learnt how to deal with people not from my usual 'bubble' and I sort of have to get one leg out of my comfort zone. And of course like any other places I've been I acquainted with few people with less common sense. Ughhhhh. Just when I thought I wanted to start 'new -.- Anyway, to come and think about it, in terms of activities, I actually didn't actually do much. Hmm, wha have I been doing all year?! GOSH! Oh well, 2016 is in the past now, and like many people around the world would agree, 2016 did suck. 

So for this new year, let us make a change to the world by changing ourselves for the better. :) 

P/S: 2017 resolution, more posts maybe? :P

Thursday, December 22, 2016

Passion

Assalamualaikum, Good evening,

So last weekend, I went out with several friends. Being in middle 20's, most of them are now working in different industries. I asked my petite friend how is working life since she started working a couple of months ago. And the answer I get was quite disappointing. And then she proceed to ask our other friends whether working is 'fun' or not. Of course, their answers are negative too. Suddenly I had this mini anxiety in which I was thinking what kind of job is 'fun' in this world? What job should I do after my studying that can be considered 'fun'? But then I realized that when they say it wasn't fun, it is not actually because of the job itself. I thought so too because when we started working, we should know of our responsibilities and our job scope. What make work a 'life pooper' is actually the people we had to deal with whilst working. 

Then I did  reflection and thought to myself 'What drive people to wake up every morning and do the same thing the did everyday?' What is their passion? I did get to ask a friend and she said it's of treating the patients and seeing them getting better can give her satisfaction. In short, helping people. What is mine? This had lingered in my mind for a few days now and I still can't figure it out. I guess for now I'll live like  robot then. Living life day to day with no meaning.